Five-Minute Friday: Quiet

(Note: “Five-Minute Friday” is an activity I participate in based on Kate Motaung’s blog, linked at the bottom of the page. Each week, Kate posts a one-word prompt, and people write for five minutes straight, free-write style with no editing and no over-thinking.)

Because she was speaking at a conference I was attending, Susan Cain’s book Quiet went to the top of my list this fall, and, boy I wish I read it earlier. The book’s subtitle is “The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking,” which serves as an appropriate overview of the content. (You can see her TedTalk here, but, really, read the book!)

Cain offers scientific research, anecdotes, interviews, and personal experience to show how society may value the affable extroverts (think group work, hiring and voting for people who talk the biggest game, and being concerned that your kid is shy), but reserved introverts have so much to offer that we ought to acknowledge what they need to be successful, too: Quiet.

Reading Quiet was an eye-opener for me. I have always preferred staying inside with a book to attending a party. I despise group projects, needing time to myself to process before sharing with others. I recharge in solitude, not in the company of others. Prior to the book, I had accepted this about myself, but I believed these preferences made me “less than” my more sociable peers. Now I see how my introverted nature adds to the work I do and the person I am.

The book also reminded me that we need to parent the children we have, not the ones we were. My son is NOT quiet. On car rides when I would prefer to drive in silence, he demands music. When I have insisted on keeping the radio off, he has more than once told me, “I NEED the music!” I now believe him. Just as I NEED the quiet, he NEEDS the noise. We compromise.

Perhaps one of the more intriguing parts of Cain’s book is when she discusses “Free Trait Theory,” which claims we are born with certain personality traits but can break character when it comes to something about which we feel strongly.

Fundraising for diabetes research requires me to ask people for money, which goes against every grain in my body. First, I hate asking people for anything. Second, I REALLY hate asking for money. I remember one uncomfortable conversation in college when I called and asked my dad if I could borrow money because my side job as a waitress was taking up too much time and I knew I needed to quit. That was the only time I ever asked him for money (of course, it was not the only time he gave it to me). But, making pleas for donations is easy because I feel so passionately about the subject.

I attended Susan Cain’s keynote speech with colleagues from my new job. One of them said, “It’s a good thing they gave you that corner office away from the action since you’re such an introvert!” I told her I love that my office does not get a lot of foot traffic because I AM an introvert. She said she was joking and was shocked because she would have pegged me as an extrovert. I again attribute how I present myself at work to Free Trait Theory – I love what I do and will break character to do it well.

Susan Cain will soon be piloting a “Quiet Revolution” project in schools, and I have expressed interest in having my school considered. I wonder how much potential we could unleash if teachers, students, and parents valued introverts as much as extroverts.

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My Year in Books

In 2012, I set a goal of reading 12 books (and completing 12 knitting projects). I exceeded in the knitting and fell a few short in the reading, but I set a precedent with the “12 in ‘12” idea. I have set goals each year since to read the same number of books as the year, and I have met the goal for the last 3 years.

Going into this year, I recognized that I read mostly non-fiction and mostly male authors, not consciously, but by chance. I wanted to see what would happen if I purposely chose (more) fiction and solely female authors. I am happy I did. Here’s my 2015 recap.

  1. The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion

Okay, so I started the year reading fiction, but by a male author. Blame it on the library and the long wait list I was on for this one. It was billed as a book you’d love if you enjoy Sheldon’s character on The Big Bang Theory, and it delivered. It was a fun, feel-good story centering on a quirky character who sure seems like he is on the autism spectrum, but no diagnosis is ever mentioned.

Take-away: No matter how different we are, we can find love and happiness.

READ (if you enjoy The Big Bang Theory)

  1. Accidents of Marriage by Randy Susan Meyers

A work of fiction with a female author – now we’re talking! It’s set in Boston, which I enjoyed, but it was not the gripping book I was hoping for. I enjoy books with multiple narrators/perspectives, but I can’t say this one did that successfully.

Take-away: Marriage is hard, and parenting is harder.

SKIP

  1. The Rosie Effect by Graeme Simsion

As is true for most sequels, this book was not as good as the first. It did leave me thinking that if someone makes a movie from these books, I will see it.

Take-away: No matter how different we are, we can find love and happiness.

SKIP (Read the first book instead)

  1. I Thought It Was Just Me by Brene Brown

My therapist casually recommended I watch Brene’s TedTalk, and I was hooked. I cannot get enough of what Brene Brown says, and I figured reading her books in chronological order was the way to go. The researcher in me loves how she presents her work.

Take-away: Silence breeds shame, and living in shame breeds an unnecessarily lonely, difficult life.

MUST READ

  1. Small Victories by Anne Lamott

If Anne Lamott started a second career as a preacher, I would go to that parish everyday. If you think the world is going to hell in a hand basket, her words act as a salve that makes it all better. This book is the third in a series of three short books, but you do not need to read them in order.

Take-away: I’m okay, you’re okay, but George Bush is not.

MUST READ (if you aren’t opposed to recovering alcoholics, religious undertones, and liberal viewpoints/Republican-bashing)

  1. Dietland by Sarai Walker

I thought I would love this because Entertainment Weekly likened it to Amy Schumer’s comedy. It does have feminist social commentary, and I could see the comparisons to Schumer once I was in the thick of it, but in the end, Schumer is in a category all her own and Walker is not even close.

Take-away: Love yourself, whatever your size.

SKIP

  1. Romantic Outlaws: The Extraordinary Lives of Mary Wollstonecraft and Her Daughter Mary Shelley by Charlotte Gordon

When Charlotte mentioned she was writing about a famous mother/daughter Mary combo, I knew the duo to which she was referring, and I could not wait for her to finish. It took over 5 years, but it was worth the wait. It is a dual biography that reads like a novel. Even if you have no idea who these ladies are, you will appreciate Charlotte’s insights.

There are so many take-aways that I won’t do the book justice, but here is one: The mother/daughter bond is an unbreakable one in so many ways.

MUST READ (Especially if you enjoy Frankenstein and/or A Vindication of the Rights of Woman)

  1. The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo

Game-changer. Her philosophy and method will truly change your life for the better if you let it. This is a quick, easy read packed with practical advice.

Take-away: Let go of anything that no longer serves you…starting with your closet.

MUST READ

  1. Yes, Please by Amy Poehler

It’s a fun read, but not a FUNNY read. There are meaty, feminist views if you choose to notice them. The book made me want to watch Parks and Recreation, a series I passed on when it was on the air. (I am on season 3 now and have been pleasantly surprised.)

Take-away: Poehler is one smart, funny, classy lady.

READ (and it’s probably a must-read if you like Poehler, Saturday Night Live, and/or Tina Fey)

  1. The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins

Yes, it was a page-turner. No, I did not like it. None of the characters are likeable. At all. And what is with the ending? It was disturbing, and not in a good, think-about-your-life way. Ugh.

Take-away: Things aren’t always what they seem. (I struggled on this one – this is the best I can do.)

SKIP

  1. The Good Luck of Right Now by Matthew Quick

I had to break away from female authors to get in this book selected by a new book club I joined. I would put it in the same category as The Rosie Project with its quirky characters and feel-good message. I did not know this until after I read it, but Matthew Quick is the same author of Silver Linings Playbook. I am adding him to my list of authors whose body of work I should read. (Jonathan Tropper is another member of this short list.)

Take-away: No matter how different we are, we can find love and happiness.

MUST READ (Especially if you liked The Rosie Project or Silver Linings Playbook)

  1. The Execution of Noa P. Singleton by Elizabeth L. Silver

Gone Girl, The Girl on the Train, and The Execution of Noa P. Singleton all have rather deplorable female characters. In this one, Noa is on death row for first degree murder. There was a twist, but in the end, it was a book of mainly unlikeable characters whose message was not quite clear.

Take-away: I got nothing…maybe “People are gross”?

SKIP

  1. Off the Sidelines by Kirsten Gillibrand

When you have a name like “Kirstin,” you are drawn to other Kirstins/Kirstens/Kierstins, etc. Or maybe it’s just me. I was intrigued with Senator Gillibrand when I heard her name on a tv interview. That she is a senator who does her job while raising a young family is a plus.

Take-away: Everyone should use her voice to shape our world.

READ (you need not be into politics)

  1. The Little Paris Bookshop by Nina George

I love the idea behind this book – that a bookseller is a literary apothecary, administering books like medicine. It is a true book lover’s book.

Take-away: Books heal, as do the misfit characters we incorporate into our chosen family along the way.

READ (and it’s a MUST READ if you are a book lover)

  1. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown

This is Brene’s second book, and there is an e-course associated with it that my husband bought me, and I finally took it on this year. For a recovering perfectionist like me, this book lays it all out.

Take-away: The struggle for perfection (which is unattainable) robs us of joy and true connection.

MUST READ (Especially if you are a Brene Brown fan)

  1. Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson

Her first book, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened, was laugh-out-loud funny (and that says a lot coming from me). This one is just as funny, but it takes on more serious topics, as Lawson doesn’t mince words about depression and anxiety.

Take-away: Depression lies; life is good.

MUST READ (Especially if you live with, worth with, and/or love someone with mental illness)

  1. Quiet by Susan Cain

Reading this after Lawson’s and Brown’s books made for the perfect three-fer. If you can swing it, reading them in succession is a great idea. Cain’s research and anecdotes on introverts (and even what that word actually means) is eye-opening.

Take-away: Preferring quiet to noise or working alone to working in a group is not only okay, but necessary for societal (and relationship) balance.

MUST READ (So many implications for school, work, relationships, parenting, etc.)

  1. Fates and Furies by Lauren Groff

I read this with no prior knowledge about the book, so I was not expecting the perspective shift that occurs when we move from “Fates” to “Furies.” I enjoyed the shift, but it was not enough to make me recommend the book.

Take-away: Things aren’t always what they seem.

SKIP

  1. Why We Get Fat by Gary Taubes

I picked this one up because Gretchen Rubin mentioned it (her book will be my first for 2016), and it sounded interesting. As one fascinated with food and health, I thought I ought to read more on the subject. I was NOT expecting a book that would change my mind, and that’s what I got.

Take-away: The “calories-in/calories-out” idea does not play out in research; rather, we get overweight due to insulin resistance that occurs over time.

MUST READ

*    *   *

Women Authors: 15/19 (excellent!)

Works of Fiction: 9/19 (needs improvement, but this WAS an improvement)

Themes: 1. Quirky, imperfect people succeeding in making the best of what life hands them, and 2. Iconoclastic women whose thoughts and actions transcend their time period.

Goals for 2016’s Year of Books: I need to continue to read more female authors to make up for my miseducation (through most of high school, the authors assigned were men). I need to find more meaningful fiction – books that aren’t just good in the moment, but ones that have lasting effects. Should 2016 be the year of historical fiction? Would this be a compromise?

Please give me some book recommendations!

Thank you, Diabetes

Dear Diabetes,

I am sure you get tons of hate mail, and as someone well acquainted with you, I think such correspondence is warranted. I do not know anyone who is happy to live with you, and the knowledge of your long-term effects makes me weepy every time I take my son to an appointment to learn how to deal with you. But I am practicing gratitude, so in that spirit, today, the second anniversary of my son’s diagnosis, I write you a letter of appreciation.

You became a part of my life before my story even began when you plagued my father on April 1, 1965. What a sense of humor you have!

You proved no one is immune to you by picking on someone with no family history when you made my dad a type 1 diabetic, a man whose life was already complicated enough given that his family had no money, and his dad was an alcoholic.

What a blessing in disguise you were, though, because you enabled him to escape a life of poverty. The hospital stays and doctors’ visits made my dad interested in the medical field, and living with you qualified him for a college scholarship that paid for an education to pursue that career interest. And I know people don’t consciously choose alcoholism, but you make drinking alcohol so hard and dangerous that you kept my father from that addiction. Thank you.

You wreak so much havoc on a body that my dad didn’t think he could physically handle the grueling schedule of an MD, so he became a dentist. Thank you for steering him to a profession with more family-friendly hours. He took advantage of that by participating in as many of my sister’s and my activities as he could. Those years of insulin injections made him particularly good at giving Novacain shots, so I also thank you on behalf of his patients.

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My dad loved dentistry and often commented that he would work until he died. We were worried whether you would allow that to happen, though, given how, over time, you attack people’s eyesight and limbs. Let’s be clear: I will never be okay that my dad didn’t see 60. But I thank you for sparing him a slow decline and for taking him suddenly in his sleep.

This sudden death ignited a passion in me to raise awareness about you. All along, I was an activist waiting for a cause, so I thank you for recruiting me. My dad’s death rekindled my love of athletics as I prepared to participate in the American Diabetes Association’s Tour de Cure and, later, run marathons for diabetes fundraising. His death made me start a scholarship fund to benefit other kids who live with you.

We do have a score to settle, though. See, you made it more personal when you added my Owen to that list of other kids who live with you. That wasn’t fair. In fact, after taking my father, it was downright dirty.

But don’t think you have shaken my grateful spirit; if anything, you’ve strengthened it.

I had two healthy babies after two uncomplicated, full-term pregnancies. Aside from consistent ear infections that antibiotics quickly nixed, they had no health woes. Meanwhile, friends around me were dealing with their kids’ colic, reflux, and asthma. I sympathized and admired them, believing I could not handle being the mom of a sick child, especially since I am the only one in my family who missed the medical gene.

Thank you for proving me wrong. Sure, the first couple tiIMG_20131210_130108_253mes I gave Owen an injection, I had to sit on the floor because I thought I would pass out, but I did it. Along with my husband’s help, I have seamlessly incorporated you into our daily life with the ease I used to marvel at in my friends. Mustering through the occasional sleepless nights when dealing with low blood sugars, fighting insurance companies for the supplies and coverage we need, giving care instructions to others who will be with Owen when we cannot – and then trusting them to do as we directed – shows me I am stronger than I gave myself credit for. Thank you.

Thank you for confirming my faith in my intuition. Those frequent ear infections? I distinguished those from other minor ailments every time, as I did the bouts of strep throat. And I recognized Owen’s symptoms as diabetes. I am not happy I was right, but thank you for building my confidence in my mother’s intuition.

You also reconfirmed my faith in humanity. Owen’s diagnosis with you brought out the best in people. My coworkers, family, and friends rallied to support us with diabetic cookbooks, gift cards to restaurants that publish their carb counts, and advice on medical professionals. Various extended family members attended a camp about you to learn how to care for Owen. Last year, to acknowledge Owen’s one-year “diaversary,” people carved time out of their crazy December calendars to play games at a diabetes-themed party we hosted. Thank you for giving us a reason to pause and gather.

Your meddling with my family has proven helpful in my job, too. As a teacher and school administrator, I work with parents regularly. Children with chronic medical issues bring unique needs to school, and I see their parents breathe a sigh of relief when I can honestly tell them that I understand. I related to the mom of the diabetic student who was failing his classes, and I shared her wrath when some of his teachers did not believe that you are a legitimate disease with invisible consequences like depression and poor concentration. Thank you for making me more compassionate. Thank you for making me better at what I do.

Speaking of teaching, thank you for empowering me to educate people about you. I can’t afford to have someone tell my son he brought you on himself, that he will outgrow you, that he can’t eat certain food, that insulin is optional, or that high or low blood sugars aren’t that big of a deal. I also need them to know that he does not get a vacation from you. He thinks about you every day, all day long, and the fact that most don’t have that worry is a privilege they take for granted (myself included). Thank you for the opportunity to inform.

Thank you for showing me how kindhearted and connected my daughter is to her brother. When Avery found out Owen has you, she threw up, literally sick with conce1410140440rn for him. You are Owen’s Achilles Heel, and he takes great pains to keep you private. Kids can be mean. Avery knows this, and she has his back when they are in social situations together. Throughout all their sibling bickering, not once has she ever used you as a cheap shot against Owen. Thank you for letting me see what a caring young lady she is.

I don’t want to speak for Owen because I think it is disingenuous for me to thank you for the gifts you’ve given him, especially when I am not sure what those are just two years in. Will you influence him to pursue medicine like his grandfather? Will he hate you so much that you drive him to discover a cure? Maybe one day he will write you his own thank you letter.

But I hope you’re not around to receive it.

With gratitude,

Kirstin